FeardotCom (2002)

I tried. I honestly tried to watch this movie, but I could not. After three failed attempts, I must say that this is one entry where only 2/3 of the film was watched - but in my defense, I had seen it already. I remember watching this movie with my friends Drew and Sarah one dark and spooky night, and everyone hated it except for me. I would talk about it when we were together, and everyone would gruff saying that "I was crazy", and now, looking back at a film I watched nearly five years ago - maybe I was. The acting was horrible, the story was extremely stale, and growing up in the world where future internet related horror films have come and gone, "FeardotCom" feels pale in comparison. Dorff, horrible as the detective with a darkened past, attempts to get his head around this murderer using the internet to kill his victims, or is he? The plot is useless in discovering how Stephen Rea captures his victims and kills them as people sign into the site to watch. The watching is what kills them, or is it? Question continue to pile up as we go on the hunt for someone or something (aka a girl in a white dress) that continues to kill more and more. Oddly, every one of the killings take place around Dorff and his timid partner, a terrible actress named Natascha McElhone who laughed her way through every scene. It is horrible and difficult to watch.

The scares aren't even worth the printed screen. There are moments that could be great - in fact this was a decent premise, but it was execution that failed. Director William Malone just couldn't combine both the fears of the Internet and this serial killer that evades Dorff. It should have been one or the other - an actual Ghost in the Machine instead of Rea's heartfelt performance. So kill me, I liked what Rae did with this bit part. He wasn't given much, but he created a spooky character. His voice was frightening, his demeanor was strong, he was the crux of this film, too bad everyone else around him just plain sucked. I hate using that word when reviewing films, but it had to be said. Despite not finishing, NOTHING worked. Nothing built value in this film. Let me give an example. There is a part early in the film where a guy does clutching a book about the "soul of the internet", but nobody cares. Later the idea is picked back up, a guy is found in a bar who wrote it, but once he speaks his peace, they forget about it all over again. I normally do not follow the mold with films, I like to see the redeeming value of what artists do, but sometimes the sloppiness just fails. "FeardotCom" is a perfect example of this. Lurking down near the worst films on IMDb's Bottom 100, there is no doubt in my mind it will stay there for a while.

From bad acting to a story that will literally put you to sleep and not find a substantial conclusion, "FeardotCom" within the world of technology, has aged poorly. Advances in the Internet, real fears that lurk out there - in 2002, this could have been a more pioneering film instead of meandering to false hope. This could have been a predictor to what we see today, but instead is just feels fake from the beginning to end. Our actors fail - this film fails. Getting a yellow highlight with a black mark, it will never be seen within the house again. The real Internet is spooky, "FeardotCom" comes nowhere close.

The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979)

Laugh as you must with this title, and despite the fact that I HATE sports movies, this little feature did the trick in both entertaining and providing a couple of great laughs. Using both Stockard Channing and Jonathan Winters as anchors to this farce of a film, we watch this down-and-out basketball team discover that because of their astrological sign, they cannot win any games. BUT, when a kid discovers that Pisces work well together, our little Pittsburgh team gets the support they finally need. Featuring some of the biggest names in basketball in the 70s, this little VHS has never seen the light of day - and I don't understand why. It was light, simple, incredibly fun, and exceptionally intelligent despite its age and topic. Using both sports humor as well as racial un-comforts, "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" was a fun little film that I was not embarrassed to watch.

Despite my sneering hatred for sports movies, in the fact that they always seem to use the same formula again and again and again - when you watch movies of this nature, it is notorious that you will always realize that the underdog will arrive victorious by the end - the crowd will go wild - love will still blossom. I am not trying to sound cynical, but not much has changed in world of sports films over the past decade - or even the past 100 years. It is a sound, but true formula - and it still works. While I get angry about these types of films all the time, "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" seemed to move along that same focus, but somehow felt fresh and fun. The characters were light - the story was fun - and Jonathan Winters continues to make me laugh and laugh. "Mork & Mindy" laugh. The use of Stockard Channing was also light as it just felt like she was having fun with the script. It was totally absurd, but because everyone was having fun - the chemistry between the teammates worked - it worked on screen as well. There was something about this film that she seemed stronger than other films of this nature.

Oddly, now don't laugh, this was found in my "Fangoria 101 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen", this was actually a side film mentioned as an actor that was in the 101 films was in this movie (or director or someone), but I was glad to have discovered this film. I am still nowhere close to being a fan of sports films, but I will proudly suggest this movie to anyone that has a VHS player and is willing to laugh at the look and feel of the 70s. There is no doubt in my mind that this movie is going to be played more - and I cannot wait to laugh with a sports team built around an astrological sign. Oh, and to see a kid drive a Bentley around Pittsburgh - hilarious! Green highlight with blue stars - no question, I will watch this movie again!

Harlock Saga (1999)

So, the saga of the Anime movies has come to an end. Thankfully. I hate to put it that bluntly, but within five movies I only found one keeper, that is a horrid "ouch" sound. Not to say that the "Essential 500" aren't important Anime films, it is just these particular five were just a mixed bag of rancid stories, fluff characters, and tired animation. It was embarrassing, but hopefully the remaining 495 will provide with endless hours of entertainment. With that said, "Harlock Saga" - a 1999 six-part series that officially has a beginning and a quasi-ending. Without knowing anything about space pirate Harlock and his misfit team of unknowns, this was an exceptional introduction to this world. I liked the world of Harlock, surprisingly, and was impressed by the storyline with this one, the end of the universe with time-lord-esque creatures, who couldn't enjoy this brief "Dr. Who" throwback. The episodes were short, the characters were fun, and the story had just enough development to keep you interested - so, why doesn't this series get a green mark with blue star? Bordom.

You betcha, while it had everything someone who loves anime would want, I just found myself bored by the end of the story. There were moments of pure genius with Harlock and his crew, but then, we would spend an entire half of an episode on absolutely nothing. No development, no character action - nothing, just long inner // outer monologues. The science of this series was strong, I loved the space opera that was placed within the DVD player, and I shouldn't complain because as a whole this was fun, I just couldn't find myself watching this again. The concept that two organ players control the value of time is a powerful notion, but it could have been packed into four episodes or something. I hate to be that vague, but as we came to a close with this series, I just felt relieved to be over. I liked certain elements, but in the end hated more than I loved. Perhaps hated is too strong of a word, I just didn't appreciate the final "hurrah".

Can I suggest this film to friends? I have a couple of dedicated anime watchers that will appreciate the classic nature of this film, and the strong characters, and the powerful plot - and I can say every one of those elements were enjoyable. Yet, at the end, we would have a conversation about anyone else just getting bored with the end result. How do I put this better? Good. Good. Good. Good. Blah. Overall, I think the "Harlock Saga" is getting a pink mark in the book. The first pink in the "500 Essential Anime Movies" book that I am not as excited about returning to. My discovery via this trip down Japanese lane, I just don't love Anime movies - or perhaps it is just that I haven't found the right one yet. Whichever it is, I can suggest "Harlock", but I just don't love "Harlock". What do you think?

Hare + Guu: Volume 1 (2001)

Lately my posts have been bashing Anime and the world they surround due mainly in part to the dull stories and misshapen characters, but today I find myself with my hypothetical foot in my mouth. Upon beginning this series, I was extremely hesitant to say the least. The last two entries into the Anime world the Jersey Shore equivalent to "grenades" and "land mines", just horrible stories and overall plots that would make even the most sympathetic cringe. "Hare + Guu", the first volume, was a breath of fresh air. With a oddball storyline that remains relevant throughout, constant tense humor, and that dark void of the unknown, there was just something about this series that pulled me in deep. I loved the use of colors, the in-you-face, yet sly symbolism that would make kids question and adults laugh - AND - I loved, loved, loved that this was a series for children (maybe?), yet the events that occurred were utterly and completely adult. Hare's mother loves to dance, she loves to drink, and morning + Hare's mother just doesn't work. As a 33-year old male, this made sense to me - I could relate to Hare's mother's daily life.

The first four episodes on this disc were a delight, a series that I can thus far suggest and recommend everything Hare + Guu bring to the table. It was as if someone had this insane dream and decided to flesh it out into a series. The fact that Guu eats everything and an entire society // culture is residing in her stomach is hilarious to me. It was so extreme that it worked, and yet the story still remains an open mystery. Beginning with this drab image of Hare's mother walking away from this darkened figure, the image remains in your mind - hoping, knowing, that eventually this tall backstory will get fleshed out. One watches this series with hopes, excitement, and a desire to see more. Who is this Guu? Where does she come from? What was that dark shadow in the forest? Does chest hair really make you a better leader? Why is Guu always so hungry? All of these questions, I hope, will be answered, and if the rest of these volumes are anything like what I just witnessed here, I am going to love what "Hare + Guu" bring to the table.

Admittedly, I chose to watch this (rarely) with the English dubbing, and I was surprised on how well the English counterparts did in creating the tense emotion between the characters. That isn't to say that I am always going to do this, but for this film -- I was happy. Looking forward to the other volumes, but as I get close to the Horror Movie Contest, I don't know how quickly these posts will be coming. Horror movies - here I come. In the end, this series is getting a green mark with blue star. I am excited that I found this in my "500 Essential Anime Movies" and finally see some value to the list created in sed book. I cannot wait to watch more and have others experience the world known as "Hare + Guu".

Harmagedon: Genma Wars (1983)

I think I am beginning to realize that I cannot wrap my mind around both sports movies as well as, now, Anime movies. I don't know when this happened, but the last two films that I have watched I just couldn't find the power, or interest in continuing with them. As I write this review, "Harmagedon" continues to play in the background as our story gets further and further convoluted and NOW they are saving fawns and rabbits instead of the human race. That is the un-detailed depth of this film. Considered pioneering for its time for bringing "real" life places within the fictional world, "Harmagedon" introduces a plethora of multi-cultural characters into this struggle to save the planet Earth from destruction from a being known only to eat full universes. Using powers of the mind, this rag tag bunch of characters cause mayhem and chaos throughout the planet, bringing hope to the remaining peoples left on Earth. While it sounds like a great concept, it just didn't work in the 132-minute format. I think doing this as a series, the opportunity to really flesh out the different characters, would have benefited this story greatly. While I loved the concept, it was the execution that failed with this film. Here I am, at the 100-minute mark and we are still being introduced to new characters, characters that will be used for the pen-ultimate battle that we are building up. Why would you do this? Why introduce characters, words that we are supposed to feel emotion for, when there is no time for development? Utter failure on the part of "Harmagedon".

Being a fan of "Akira", I thought this would fall in line, and there are images and techniques used in this that will obviously be used in "Akira", but where this is different than "Akira" is the story. I felt nothing for our characters or the plot. Interested, but never quite developed. We spend nearly an hour and a half with two focused characters, yet we are to follow at least seven of them to the ends of the battle. It just didn't work. Also, there were moments that were too over-dramatic even for me. In Anime, I expect things to be a bit over the top - watching "Hamtaro", there were parts that were just a bit too zany, but it worked due to the brevity of the episodes I was comfortable with what was happening. That should have been the case here. Shorter episodes may have built a better world - by the end, which I am coming up to now, we just don't have enough time for anything. Characters are forgotten, past experiences have come short, and overall it just seemed like a flash in the pan instead of an epic story. I wanted to like "Harmagedon", but nothing peaked my interest - like a sports film, it felt like old techniques used over and over again. Boredom settled early with this film, and it never let go.

If it isn't obvious, this film is getting a yellow highlight with black mark. Maybe suggested to the die-hard Anime watchers only, this would be a tough suggestion to the amateur eye. Found in my "500 Essential Anime Movies" book, I cannot see why (outside of the historical element) this made the list. It was dull, void of emotion, and what should have been a 13-part series packed into two hours. There just wasn't enough time or energy to build the connections that needed to build the final climax. Overall, I just got bored. Not a fan of this film, and Anime as a whole is making me nervous.

The Fall of the Louse of Usher (2002)

A bitter old man attempts to recreate his youthful cinematic adventures with another romp through the failed corridor of Edgar Allen Poe. This should have been the opening line of any review that would have preceded anyone watching this horrid, disjointed mess of a, should I say it?, horror film? Being a fan of Russell's "The Lair of the White Worm", I was excited to see another entry into his cinematic cannon, another chance to spoof, be thrilled, and overall have that sense of campiness that only Russell can bring to the table. This is the same man that directed The Who's "Tommy" - would he ever lead me onto a unpaved path. Well, he did - with "The Fall of the Louse of Usher", a movie that seemed like it was made due to being bored on a rainy Sunday afternoon. With minimal budget, horrid script, and direction that made me think that a 5-year old was allowed to be cinematographer, "The Fall of the Louse of Usher" easily transformed into one of the worst films that I have seen.

There is a thin line between campy, could be cult, and just downright painfully bad, and alas, this film falls into the later category. With scenes where some of the production crew in the shot, special effects with strings attached, and a story that made no sense at all, it was surprising after my last Anime endeavor that I even finished this project. This was a movie that Russell should have been making in his youth, at a different time, this film may have been considered perhaps a early classic for a great director, but being made in 2002 (despite claims that it runs with some difficult themes and non-linear symbolism), it just felt like Russell was attempting to grab at an audience that didn't deserve this Russell. I am still introducing new fans to "Lair of the White Worm", and when you put these two together - merely for directing styles - it feels as if Russell has lost any bit of sanity known to man. Was he spoofing "The Benny Hill Show" or was it just a lack of control? Filmed in what seemed like his backyard, this may have worked as a student film (understanding that technical errors are common), but knowing that was Russell in front and behind the camera - it just crashed and burned, leaving behind no survivors at all.

If you haven't guessed it, I hated this film. Perhaps I am becoming more cynical as I continue to grow with my movie watching, but this should have been renamed to "The Fall of a Great Director". Russell seemed insane with this film, while his passion was obviously there - the final product just reeked of failure. Is this the last great Russell, his legacy to be remembered with this? Who knows, but I am going to be more nervous the next time the suggestion to watch Ken Russell comes up. Early Russell, no problem - into this decade .... BEWARE! A yellow mark with a black line, is what this film gets. Never to be watched again nor suggested to friends. What a waste of my time.

We miss you Ken Russell!

Hades Project Zeorymer (1988)

That's right kiddies, the Anime is back and in full effect. This first line of this review can be read in any way, a positive note -- or, in the instance of "Hades Project Zeorymer", perhaps a bit sarcastically. Whenever we get to this style of cinema via my books, I get nervous, this is one of those genres that is either going to be smooth sailing or an ferocious uphill battle, for "Hades" it was the latter. I am not sure when "HPZ" switched from interestingly original to just plain repetitive, but through the only FOUR episodes (that's right, didn't take that long to go from good to bad), I could only watch three and a half before I had to turn it off. This series had terrible things going against it. The first being that it is a two disc set, and each disc was made by a different distributor, creating a mixed viewing experience. Also, I think parts were left out between the two discs because there was quite of bit of sub-plot missing. Difficult to explain because the story continued, it just didn't feel like the first two episodes that I watched. Something was amuck.

With the second disc feeling like a lesser production company rushed it out, I was already not feeling the emotional draw for this film - but I continued, and dozed as this story came to an end. It is within this "story" that my second argument comes into effect. "HPZ" had a decent opening; a boy unbeknown to him has been raised by people claiming to be his parents, but are only in it for the money. He was genetically made to drive this huge monolith of a machine that will determine the end of the world away from this gigantic corporation. It is the simple story of Sampson vs. Goliath, a story that shouldn't be difficult to emulate. Alas, "HPZ" failed. Seven large corporate machines against this sole machine, stolen by the government years ago, now these two children must use whatever powers they forgot they possessed to bring justice to the world (or something as I, for the first time, didn't finish this series) - but battles feel repetitive, the animation seems redundant, and by the end, you - an audience member - just didn't care. The emotion, the heart, the joy of whatever "HPZ" began with failed. There were some extremely cool scenes within this debacle, but in the end - it failed - it fell on its face hard, and everybody should have been there to laugh. I had hopes for this series, I hoped it would lead me into a further realm of Anime, but it gave me no hope nor excitement for whatever comes next. I will watch, but "Hades Project Zeorymer" will be forever resting on the back of my mind.

So, four episodes, three and a half watched - it should be no question as to what will be the summary here. Found in my "500 Essential Anime Movies", this made me feel horrid as I could not finish a measly four episodes. From a horrid story to a bountiful amount of same frame animation, this is obviously going to get a yellow highlight with black mark. Never change horses mid-stream, never change production companies as well - just terrible. Never to be spoken about to me or recommended again. This gets the Mr. Yuck sticker for children.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Realizing that I had only seen this movie on either late-night television (censored for the late-night audiences) or via bits and pieces from any "quintessential" 80s stock countdown, I was ready to experience what the now-infamous Ridgemont High had to offer. Being a bigger fan of "Rock and Roll High School", I was unsure if this comedy (if one could place this into that category) would still remain watchable or even, should I dare say it, funny. After an hour and a half, I was proven wrong, and chalk another great film of the 80s whose modern relatives like "American Pie" or any pre-teen film, just can't hold a finger to what this had. Maybe it was Cameron Crowe, maybe it was the vast talent that walked these halls, maybe it was that "Fast Times" isn't just a sexual comedy, but in fact this extremely dark tale about children and the future of our world. Sure, this was constructed in the 80s, but it still feels relevant today.

What did I like about this film? First, let me say that the "same-day" abortion scene seemed light, but also one of those previously discussed dark scenes. High school girl gets pregnant, brother takes her, then together they form a strong bond - or how about the fact that sexuality seems a flash in the pan to our focused lead, Stacy Hamilton (played with some range by Jennifer Jason Leigh who HASN'T aged a day since this film). Also, what about that final scene in the gas station, a focused teen with great grades, a girlfriend, and a powerful car, I also think he was uber popular, but ends up working for minimum wage in a retail job. That final scene where Brad Hamilton (played by the Judge himself) has to foil a robbery with Spicoli seems like an odd way to end a film, but it brought the darkness further into the room. It wasn't this glossy image of teens in high school, this was the precursor to Smith's "Clerks", that sort of mall-rat film that put everyone in a empathetic job with only sex on the mind.

Found in my "Fangoria's 101 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen" (OK, so not a horror film, but mentioned within as crediting one of the writers with an actual horror film), and I must admit - I loved this movie. I loved the characters, the jokes (Ok, go gentle on me, I'm starting with SANKA today), and the fact that this comedy felt more like a posed threat than a modern teen-boob movie. Giving it a green mark with blue star would be an understatement, but I am proud to give it that. It is a film I am proud to have in my collection and can recommend to anyone. It holds up amazingly well for nearly 28 years later.

Hamtaro (2002)

If you haven't guessed it by this photo alone, I am moving back - or perhaps further - into the world of Anime. It has been since December of last year, with the behemoth known as "Super Dimensional Fortress Macross", but I survived and have moved forward into greener, more hamster-ish fields. "Hamtaro", a 5-disc series is the story of a little hamster named Hamtaro and the group of friends he has upon arriving to his new house. What makes "Hamtaro" stand above the a-typical children's anime series is the fact that his owner, Laura, goes through the same adventures on her day to school or via her parents - the parallels are impressive and transform Hamtaro's situations into ones that could be relatable to children of any age. Per the book that was picked for me, I only watched the first disc and three episodes running a brist 18-minutes a piece, but that was enough to be a curious Hamtaro fan for possibly another round.

When watching Anime, I always look to see if they are panning to a younger audience merely by looks and action, losing any ounce of story along the way -- and, is this something that I could suggest to my nieces without feeling the wrath of my brother? Two great questions for "Hamtaro", and I must admit, it surprised me. "Hamtaro", from the beginning, feels like a classic cartoon. The overuse of introduction and exit felt like a moment of my Saturday Morning cartoons. The adventures were episodic, allowing anyone to jump into the world of Hamtaro at anytime, but there was this connecting story arc that allowed the older viewer (a.k.a. myself) to feel that this wasn't just a one-shot series, but a world that was being created. References to past episodes and past friends always redeems a series in my eyes. It just shows that the creators are not just in it for a 9-5 paycheck, but care about building the mythology known as Hamtaro.

Found in my "500 Essential Anime Movies" - while this isn't a movie - it still was an enjoyable run through the backyard. Hamtaro and his crew are adorable, and while that did sway my vote a bit, it was the stories themselves AND the use of the bright bold colors that kept me glued to the screen for the full three episode run. I am excited to have this in the store, and while I won't jump to get the second disc right away, it will be something I will pick up if ever found. A great suggestion to kids and parents alike, "Hamtaro" surprisingly is getting a green mark with blue stars. I will watch further, will watch this again, and can definitely suggest to friends.

It's Hamtaro time!